Art by @mapartche on Instagram

[Posted privately on my FB. I originally wrote on January 1, 2025 after having a panic attack]

Oof… this one hits way too close to home right now.

I’ve been struggling for a while now, but lately, it’s become an almost daily battle — questioning everything. The things I create. The choices I’ve made. The person I am. And no matter how I turn it over in my head, it always comes back to one dark, familiar thought: I will never be good enough.

It’s exhausting. And if I’m being honest with myself, I know exactly why I feel this way. I’ve got two major flaws that I can’t seem to shake:

1) I constantly knock myself down.

2) I’m an über perfectionist.

The first one started as a defense mechanism back in school — you know, survival mode. I thought, “If I make fun of myself first, if I tear myself down before anyone else can, maybe it won’t hurt as much.” And for a while, it worked. Or at least, I thought it did.

But somewhere along the line, that “survival tactic” became something darker. It planted this seed of self-doubt that’s only grown over time. That’s why I struggle to accept compliments. It’s not that I don’t appreciate them — I do. But deep down, there’s this voice in my head that whispers, “They don’t really mean it. You don’t deserve it.”

That voice of self-doubt doesn’t stop there. It feeds into my perfectionism.
I’m brutal with myself. My own worst critic. I hold myself to impossible standards, and nothing I do ever feels good enough. No matter how hard I work or how much I accomplish, I’m always chasing some unreachable version of “perfect.” I push myself until I’m exhausted, frustrated, and questioning everything.
And eventually, that same thought creeps back in: “I’ll never be good enough.”

The hardest part is that I know I don’t treat others this way. I’m kind and supportive to everyone I meet, yet somehow, I can’t extend that same compassion to myself. Somewhere along the way, I became my own worst enemy. My own tormentor.

And I hate it. I wish I weren’t like this.
I deserve better — from myself.

And maybe it’s time I start believing that, too.